You know how you say that if you follow your dreams, they'll come true? That's a lie!

They act like people who really deserve something are always going to have things work out in their favor.

Let me explain. Royal Northern College of Music, located in Manchester, is like a complete dream to me. If I could have one thing for my life, it would be that.

But that, my friends, will never happen. You may try to be supportive and say "Oh don't worry Sara, I know you'll get in, you're sooo good at piano and singing lolz" But please don't waste your time.

I know I'm talented. But am I talented enough? No. Doesn't that suck? I'm not looking for pity, and I'm not looking for sympathy. If I were, I'd be saying "Oh my God, I'm not good at all." I know I'm good, but I'm not good enough.

So, I have time (Four or maybe five years) to get good enough. But will that happen? Probably not. There are people applying there who have been reading sheet music their whole lives and I just started about three weeks ago. I've been playing my whole life, yeah, but I've never had to opportunity to learn anything about pedals or anything like that.

I'm so scared. I don't want to be one of those people who dreamed of being a musician but ended up being a banker, or a cop, or something mediocre. I don't know how to express myself in words about my passion for music. All kids these days say they love music and it's really annoying because they don't. They just like the sound of it, but they don't truly let -- nevermind. I can't explain it. It's something to be experienced, not described. I can say, however, that I think about music the way someone might think of their significant other. I always am thinking about the next time I will be interacting with the stripes, letting my fingers wander and my voice spill out of my lungs.

WOW, I am getting really deep. I need to get into this school...
(Maybe I'll put this in my application in a few years.
"This is what I've been thinking ever since I found out about this school, in my Freshman year of high school. Check me out."
Nah, that would sound whiny and unprofessional.)

Oh yeah. Did I mention it's in fucking Manchester? Hell yes.
Today, I was listening to "You Only Live Once" by the Strokes. I'd never really before thought about those few words.

You only live once.

That is possibly one of the most terrifying thoughts I've ever encountered. In my past I've been suicidal. I am so glad I never went through with it. I have way too much to fear in death. I always thought I was not afraid of death. Today, I realized, I am. Well, I'm not so much afraid of death, but I'm afraid of the afterlife, if there is one. I'm not religious, so I don't really believe in any kind of afterlife and even if I were religious, I'd probably still have my doubts, because no one can prove to me exactly what happens after you die. I really wish I knew. I cannot imagine being completely... dead. I can't imagine not having any sense of anything going on, and having no thought or ability to think. And to think that we only live once, which means that once you die, that's it. In a way I sort of believe in reincarnation. I mean, you can't just have an eternal nothingness after you die, right? There has to be some kind of form of past/future lives. Even if that's so, that really sucks. Because my future life won't know about my current life, and my fight with myself about what happens after death will never be resolved. No one can ever tell me, not even me when I die. Unless there is just a normal afterlife where you do whatever the hell you want. If there's a past life, my past lives probably have the same mentality as I and are probably like, "WTF HAPPENED TO ME, I'M DEAD."

Gah. :/ I don't know what would be worse... living forever, or dying.